I have a problem.
No, my sports addiction isn't my problem. My problem is a serious scheduling conflict this Saturday - a conflict so huge, that short of shitting my pants in the car, my wife isn't going to let me have my way. Actually, I've never crapped my pants in the car - so if I had to use that as an excuse, I'm saving it for when she schedules some BS birthday party during the playoffs.
My wife has committed us to go to a wedding on Saturday - and there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing. And wouldn't you know it, I'm one of the official witnesses. I don't know how I got drafted into that. But somebody put me on their docket and is awaiting my official signature.
Am I against love? Would I stand by and say that these two people shouldn't be joined in holy matrimony? No. Of course not. I just wish I had been informed a bit earlier about this development because I had a huge day planned for Saturday. What's so huge that I'd rather sit at home and watch my TV instead of go to a wedding?
Uncle Mo.
Uncle Mother F'in Mo. That's what. The odds on favorite to win the big race this weekend.
Saturday is the Breeders Cup. It's the Horse Racing Super Bowl. And the race, where my personal favorite, Uncle Mo, is racing is post time 4:00 pm PT, and the wedding is at 6:00. Let me be clear that I don't plan on missing that race for anything. And I'll still get to watch it - just not like I originally wanted to.
My wife has Saturday off. I get off work at 2:30. I was planning on going to the pub to watch it while placing my bet at the OTB. Now, I'll have to watch it at home with my TVG account -
while my wife is nagging me to hurry up and put my tie on so that I can help the girls find their shoes and make sure they put them on the right feet and make sure they don't mess up their hair while my wife changes her own shirt ten times and has the gall to get mad at me because I picked out the first shirt and jacket I touched when I opened the closet.
That last sentence is punctuated correctly, by the way. That's how it's going to feel.
Many of you are not horse racing fans. I get it. But imagine, if you will, that you had Super Bowl Sunday planned EXACTLY how you wanted it - pub, beers, friends, HD big screens, hot wings - and then your wife told you to watch it at the house, with NO friends, while nagging at you about what shirt to wear. So much better, right? Wrong.
The person who isn't addicted to sports will look at this as glass half-full and say I should be happy I get to watch the race. This article isn't geared to that person.
I'll get to see the race, then we'll be off to the wedding at about 5:00, mix and mingle, shake hands, smile and nod. I'll need to be on my best behavior. Hopefully, the wedding will start at 6:00. But being a latino event, I'm not holding my breath that anything will be on time. But it's a Justice of the Peace ceremony, so they're pretty short.
The next part of my evening is tricky. I'll have to be surgical in my approach to pull it off. The Pittsburgh Penguins play at 7:30, but I can stretch that to 7:40 or so because pre-game can run long. So, the dilemma is getting from the wedding to my couch in time for the game. I made a commitment to watch all 82 games, and I'd rather keep that commitment than hang out with people I barely know. I've devised three options to get home on time.
1) Fake a fever. This shouldn't be hard to do. Suit and tie, small venue, probably too many people and the stress of missing the game might actually give me a temperature.
2) Put my foot down and say we're leaving. This is the 'nuclear' option and can only be pulled off by picking a fight with my wife. This would be a dick move though since I will be at a wedding, and even if I don't know them that well, they still wanted me around. Plus, picking a fight with the wife? What if the Pens' lose? Then I got in trouble to watch a loss. Again, 'nuclear' option.
3) Schedule something for the children. This is risky, but could be well worth it. There is a family fun center right near my house that has a ton of games, bowling and more big screen TV's than you could count. If I tell the kids that we're going to this place to play after the wedding, they won't stop nagging until we get there. We could take the kids there, give them some tokens and soda and I could watch the first period of the game at the sports pub that's built in. After 1st period, we run to the car like our hair's on fire and race home to catch the 2nd period. Now, my wife may get mad at the kids for nagging or she may be inclined to go since she'll already be dressed up. The only drawback to this plan is that it always costs me at least $40 every time we go in.
Hi, my name's Guy. And I'm a Sports Addict.
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